Tuesday, September 30, 2008

State of Mind

If you have read my blog you will have noticed how incredibly busy my summer was with guests coming and going. Matt and I constantly had people at our house for about 3 months. The most time we had without guests was about 4 days at one time, I think. You know, I prayed and asked God for help in being more hospitable. And help He did! I got more opportunities than I dreamed! :) Unfortunately, during that process I forgot the one who I had asked for help from. And it showed. I got more and more drained spiritually and emotionally. At the end of it all, after everyone had left, I felt so empty inside. I had absolutely nothing else to give. And yet, my children still expected me to give. It was tough. For awhile I couldn't pinpoint the problem. I thought I was too busy (and I was!) and that if I lightened the load I would feel fabulous. And I did lighten the load and it helped some. I thought if Matt would stop working 80 hour weeks then I would feel better. It did help a lot, but there was still something not right. There were other things I thought were the problem, but they weren't. It finally dawned on me when I was at church (which I hadn't been to consistently since before Anna was born...so at least 9 mos) 2 weeks ago. The sermon was about our "Now Season" and my tears just started flowing and I couldn't stop them. I wasn't crying out loud, but the tears just flowed. I wasn't enjoying my "Now Season". I was burned out. I don't remember being burned out like this before. Utterly tired. And I never saw it coming. Ha ha ha! I'm sure others did as they witnessed my intense summer schedule. :) So the next week I was thinking a lot on that. Then we went to church this past week. I kind of remember what the sermon was about...ok, not really. But that's not why I was there. :) I was there to invite God back into the lead position of my life again. I asked Him to make Himself known to me right then and I finally...finally sensed Him again. I missed Him. I always do when this happens. Because this is a particularly poor habit of mine. I hate the cycle but don't know what to do to stop it. Anyways, I begged Him not to leave, to stay with me and make Himself known even when there is so much else going on and it's so noisy in my house that I can't think. Because that's what happens. Ah, and I sense Him right now as I'm writing this. I miss Him when He's not there. But it's amazing how in the busyness of life I get so distracted that I don't even notice He's quiet until it's too late and I am far from Him and then I struggle to get right with Him and come back. It's a struggle every day to keep my priorities right. To keep my mind quiet so that I can hear Him. But oh, thank you Lord, for not giving up on me and being ever so patient. Maybe one day I will learn my lesson and stop being so cyclical. Maybe not. I have had many other times where You were quiet. I am thinking that it is during those times when You are watching to see which way I turn. And You wait patiently until I finally turn to You. Thank you for always bringing me back.

6 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Leslie, this is an incredible post. Thank you for sharing your heart so openly and for being straight up real. I am too familiar with the cycles in my relationship with God as well. I am so undeserving of His faithfulness - yet He's always there when I circle back around. Bless Him!

Kendra said...

Right there with ya. But the wonderful thing is that all we have to do is ask for Him and He makes Himself known freely. Despite how many times we cycle. Know that you don't face that alone. We are all in that same boat sister!

Debbie Hargus said...

to have you as their mother! I once heard something to the effect that when we no longer feel close to God we have to remember that it was not Him that moved. He is always there with an outstreched hand waiting for use to reach back out to him. How comforting in these fast paced times. Be good to yourself.

Debbie Hargus said...

That first line was supposed to say "How lucky my grandchildren are to have you as their mother!

Love Ya MOM

Linda said...

Good post, Les. You know I identify all too well. And just like Debbie said, your kids are blessed to have you as mom!

amy said...

Preach it, sista! I can totally relate. Thanks for sharing your innermost thoughts - it resonated with me today.