State of Mind

If you have read my blog you will have noticed how incredibly busy my summer was with guests coming and going. Matt and I constantly had people at our house for about 3 months. The most time we had without guests was about 4 days at one time, I think. You know, I prayed and asked God for help in being more hospitable. And help He did! I got more opportunities than I dreamed! :) Unfortunately, during that process I forgot the one who I had asked for help from. And it showed. I got more and more drained spiritually and emotionally. At the end of it all, after everyone had left, I felt so empty inside. I had absolutely nothing else to give. And yet, my children still expected me to give. It was tough. For awhile I couldn't pinpoint the problem. I thought I was too busy (and I was!) and that if I lightened the load I would feel fabulous. And I did lighten the load and it helped some. I thought if Matt would stop working 80 hour weeks then I would feel better. It did help a lot, but there was still something not right. There were other things I thought were the problem, but they weren't. It finally dawned on me when I was at church (which I hadn't been to consistently since before Anna was born...so at least 9 mos) 2 weeks ago. The sermon was about our "Now Season" and my tears just started flowing and I couldn't stop them. I wasn't crying out loud, but the tears just flowed. I wasn't enjoying my "Now Season". I was burned out. I don't remember being burned out like this before. Utterly tired. And I never saw it coming. Ha ha ha! I'm sure others did as they witnessed my intense summer schedule. :) So the next week I was thinking a lot on that. Then we went to church this past week. I kind of remember what the sermon was about...ok, not really. But that's not why I was there. :) I was there to invite God back into the lead position of my life again. I asked Him to make Himself known to me right then and I finally...finally sensed Him again. I missed Him. I always do when this happens. Because this is a particularly poor habit of mine. I hate the cycle but don't know what to do to stop it. Anyways, I begged Him not to leave, to stay with me and make Himself known even when there is so much else going on and it's so noisy in my house that I can't think. Because that's what happens. Ah, and I sense Him right now as I'm writing this. I miss Him when He's not there. But it's amazing how in the busyness of life I get so distracted that I don't even notice He's quiet until it's too late and I am far from Him and then I struggle to get right with Him and come back. It's a struggle every day to keep my priorities right. To keep my mind quiet so that I can hear Him. But oh, thank you Lord, for not giving up on me and being ever so patient. Maybe one day I will learn my lesson and stop being so cyclical. Maybe not. I have had many other times where You were quiet. I am thinking that it is during those times when You are watching to see which way I turn. And You wait patiently until I finally turn to You. Thank you for always bringing me back.